Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Unsure-A ramble of immense confusion and a flurry of nonsense.

I have a friend, lets call him......Tim. Tim and i met in Jr high, shared a few classes in high school but were never really what you would call 'friends.' He was the nerdy kid who was good with cars, hated school, and had terrible social skills but was really cool if you got to know him.
Our senior year, for whatever reason, while the rest of us graduated he was held back, we weren't good enough friends to really keep in touch and our lives went on. A few years later, after I had my daughter a good mutual friend mentioned him in conversation and suddenly i just really wanted to know how he was doing and what happened to him.
He had moved out of state and started his own business. She gave me his number to catch up but not being much of a phone person I never did call. it wasn't till a few months later when he joined the rest of the world and made a myspace, that i finally got to see what he had been up to.
He was still socially awkward but had grown up and matured far beyond what I had imagined, but then again I only remembered him as the funny nerdy kid who fixed my car and told the occasional joke in class.
We got to be really good friends through myspace messages, IM's and texts. The thought crossed my mind a few times, that really he'd be a very good catch for someone someday but I don't think i really considered him for myself. We'd talked about possibly me moving out there, staying at his families home until I could get on my feet, jobs were better out there, school systems were better there, and the area in general was just so much nicer then where I live now, but it never happened because I (a) probably was never completely serious about it and (b) because i was too afraid to leave my family and move to a new state, taking my daughter away from the only family she knows.
Eventually I did start to wonder if I wanted to be with him or if it was just because I knew I could have the kinda life I always wanted. It wasn't a question I really bothered to try and answer though because I don't think i wanted to know the answer. As things tend to go, eventually he pulled out the I think i love you card and I think I had a panic attack.
Two years prior I had my heart ripped in half and all the parts that were capable of loving and trusting another man were cut in half. I was not prepared nor did I really want to hear those words. Especially from him. Especially because he had become one of the most important parts of my life and one of the very small pool of people i felt I could trust and I knew that what he said would change our relationship forever.
My reaction was not what he wanted it to be and over the next month or so it was constant arguing and fighting which led to probably 6 months of us not talking. I missed my friend and I hoped that enough time had passed that we could both apologize and move on. We started talking a bit here and there but within a month or so it was the same thing all over again. He was still angry, we argued, stopped talking. This happened on and off a few times.
Most recently, after a few months I was having car troubles and without thinking about it he was the first person I called. It gave us a reason to talk and we would talk once or so a week from maybe may until just yesterday.
A couple weeks ago he asked me why i always insist on being friends with him, why I cant just let it go and walk away, given that every time we try to be friends again it ends in constant arguing and or hurt feelings. My answer to that question is that hes been my only real friend since before I got pregnant. He was the only person I've had to confide in and to trust. Of course its hard for me to let that go. His answer was this: "I think its because you're in love with me."
UGH! here we go again. I just said that that was a can of worms Id prefer not to open again and i thought that was that.
Yesterday out of left field, i didn't even see it coming this time, was the argument. I wont get into the specifics except that I didn't know what to say and i didn't say anything.
After all this time I still don't know why its so important to me for him to be involved in my life, I don't know if I'm being honest with myself or if hes right.
I know that I could have the house with the yard and the kids and the dog and stay at home and make dinners and that would be great, but do i secretly want that with him? I feel like at this point I'm still not ready to love anyone in that capacity. I have enough love for myself and my child, but the idea of letting someone else in seems impossible to me.
Its just all got me thinking. Really thinking. Its blatantly clear to me that we will never be able to have a regular friendship....but is he right? is there something there that I'm not letting myself see??

i just don't know. and i don't know how to sort it out either....is there even anything for me to sort???

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