Thursday, June 9, 2011

I forgot

I forgot that I ever started this blog. Forgot about the drama with Anthony - real name.
Toyed with deleting those two old posts but its most likely that no one has ever read them anyways so I think its safe to leave them there.

I always say Im going to start a journal but most of the time Im too tired to actually write, or I totally forget about it. I doubt I will keep up with this, as I clearly didnt make it work last time I tried but at the very least I can leave an update of my current life for me to find and read another 3 years down the road.

Im 26 now. Almost 27. My boyfriend left me a year ago and its been one hell of a rough year. In august I moved out on my own for the first time in my life. Alexis and I packed up and moved to an apartment a whole quarter mile away from my parents. Huge jump right? Maybe not but its nice to at least have some sort of independance and privacy. Its only a one bedroom but for Alex and I, it works out for the time being. I work so much anyways that we are really only home at night and on sundays, most of which lately we seem to find ourselves at my parents anyways.

Alexis is anxiously waiting for summer to come but Im afraid its going to be a long boring summer for her. Because of some crazy neighbor drama in my parents neighborhood, Alexis is no longer allowed to play with the wild kids in the house behind theirs. Long story short, their mom cussed out my mom for wanting to know why they were being mean to Alexis and that was that. Unfortunately thats where every other kid in the neighborhood spends all their time and their yard butts right up again my parents so she has a clear view of what all the kids are doing yet isnt supposed to join in. In a perfect world that family would move and all could be right with the neighborhood again but that isnt going to happen and option b is i win the lotto and we move far away from here to a nicer neighborhood with friendlier people but thats probably not in the cards either.
On the plus side, she will be going to a new school next year so I hope that at least brings something to look forward to. This school year has had so many problems. One boy choked my daughter for bumping into her, another called her a bitch, another boy told her that a boy in her class wanted to have sex with her. All these things and she is only in kindergarten. Somehow we made it through the year and are trying to get approved at a school of choice school one city over. Oh God please let this happen!

As for me, Im not sure what snapped in my head but I went back to school and am 8 weeks in emt school. Crazy I know, germaphobe that I am, I actually think I will really enjoy it, and since ive worked for ems for 2 years now, I think its time that I get some kinda education so maybe I can move up and not be at the bottom of the totem pole anymore. After this Im hoping somehow to come across the funds to get myself in paramedic school because realistically its starting to look like its going to be just the two of us for the long haul, that means no spouse with a paycheck to help out with things, and eventually it would be ideal to have at least a second bedroom and maybe a car in which the ac works all the time and not just when Im lucky.
Im not completely giving up on love but at this point its time for plan Fend for yourself right?

anyways, ive been off work the last three days, time to go back tomorrow and its already midnight. I hope I remember to come here more then once every few years but if not...well....we'll see.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Unsure-A ramble of immense confusion and a flurry of nonsense.

I have a friend, lets call him......Tim. Tim and i met in Jr high, shared a few classes in high school but were never really what you would call 'friends.' He was the nerdy kid who was good with cars, hated school, and had terrible social skills but was really cool if you got to know him.
Our senior year, for whatever reason, while the rest of us graduated he was held back, we weren't good enough friends to really keep in touch and our lives went on. A few years later, after I had my daughter a good mutual friend mentioned him in conversation and suddenly i just really wanted to know how he was doing and what happened to him.
He had moved out of state and started his own business. She gave me his number to catch up but not being much of a phone person I never did call. it wasn't till a few months later when he joined the rest of the world and made a myspace, that i finally got to see what he had been up to.
He was still socially awkward but had grown up and matured far beyond what I had imagined, but then again I only remembered him as the funny nerdy kid who fixed my car and told the occasional joke in class.
We got to be really good friends through myspace messages, IM's and texts. The thought crossed my mind a few times, that really he'd be a very good catch for someone someday but I don't think i really considered him for myself. We'd talked about possibly me moving out there, staying at his families home until I could get on my feet, jobs were better out there, school systems were better there, and the area in general was just so much nicer then where I live now, but it never happened because I (a) probably was never completely serious about it and (b) because i was too afraid to leave my family and move to a new state, taking my daughter away from the only family she knows.
Eventually I did start to wonder if I wanted to be with him or if it was just because I knew I could have the kinda life I always wanted. It wasn't a question I really bothered to try and answer though because I don't think i wanted to know the answer. As things tend to go, eventually he pulled out the I think i love you card and I think I had a panic attack.
Two years prior I had my heart ripped in half and all the parts that were capable of loving and trusting another man were cut in half. I was not prepared nor did I really want to hear those words. Especially from him. Especially because he had become one of the most important parts of my life and one of the very small pool of people i felt I could trust and I knew that what he said would change our relationship forever.
My reaction was not what he wanted it to be and over the next month or so it was constant arguing and fighting which led to probably 6 months of us not talking. I missed my friend and I hoped that enough time had passed that we could both apologize and move on. We started talking a bit here and there but within a month or so it was the same thing all over again. He was still angry, we argued, stopped talking. This happened on and off a few times.
Most recently, after a few months I was having car troubles and without thinking about it he was the first person I called. It gave us a reason to talk and we would talk once or so a week from maybe may until just yesterday.
A couple weeks ago he asked me why i always insist on being friends with him, why I cant just let it go and walk away, given that every time we try to be friends again it ends in constant arguing and or hurt feelings. My answer to that question is that hes been my only real friend since before I got pregnant. He was the only person I've had to confide in and to trust. Of course its hard for me to let that go. His answer was this: "I think its because you're in love with me."
UGH! here we go again. I just said that that was a can of worms Id prefer not to open again and i thought that was that.
Yesterday out of left field, i didn't even see it coming this time, was the argument. I wont get into the specifics except that I didn't know what to say and i didn't say anything.
After all this time I still don't know why its so important to me for him to be involved in my life, I don't know if I'm being honest with myself or if hes right.
I know that I could have the house with the yard and the kids and the dog and stay at home and make dinners and that would be great, but do i secretly want that with him? I feel like at this point I'm still not ready to love anyone in that capacity. I have enough love for myself and my child, but the idea of letting someone else in seems impossible to me.
Its just all got me thinking. Really thinking. Its blatantly clear to me that we will never be able to have a regular friendship....but is he right? is there something there that I'm not letting myself see??

i just don't know. and i don't know how to sort it out there even anything for me to sort???

Im not much of a writer

When I was younger I tried so hard to be one of those girls who would write everything down in a cute little journal which of course would be tucked under the corner of the mattress or perhaps inside of a pillow case where no one would find it. I always started off great. 7 page entries detailing every little thing I did on a that particular day, 11 pages about what i though about this or that, 5 pages of loopy cursive about whatever boy had caught my eye at the time, but then there were long as a week or even 5-6 months with nothing. Then Id feel guilty for not being one of those girls and Id scribble in a quick, "been busy, not much going on. ill write more later." and that would be it for another 6 months till I could muster the willpower to write more then two sentences.
When I was pregnant with my daughter inspiration struck and I filled two entire composition notebooks with stories from my life and things Id want her to know about me later in her life, perhaps after I'm gone, or at least when shes old enough to understand why I felt compelled to tell the things I told. I tried to start writing after she was born, so she would have a fairly detailed 'log' of what kind of baby she had been, things that were happening in our lives, etc. Needless to say that never really happened, though I tried....I really really tried. She'll be 3 in just over a month and I'm probably lucky if there's more then 5 entries.
A few days ago, well, okay two days ago to be exact, the feeling hit me again and I immediately went to the store and bought a purple wire spiral spined notebook and new pens, certain that as soon as I returned with them I would sit down and fill a good third if not half. But in reality, its found its way to my purse, so I could take it with me to work and have it at the ready should I get the urge and it sits there still untouched. Who knows....maybe tomorrow will be the day.
In the meantime I thought Id give in and try and internet blog. I never really liked the word blog. I never really liked the idea. I mean, I love to read other peoples blogs. Its always interesting to hear about what other people go through or think about on a day to day basis but I consider myself a fairly boring person...often too critical on myself, a little vain, sometimes too bossy, often times a pushover....certainly not interesting enough to garner a few megabytes of space on the internet. While I'm still not sure this is for me, I'm going to give it a go though....perhaps Ive just had major writers block for several years now and this will clear the way for my true genius to come out ...or at least give me a nice place to vent if nothing else. 8-)